Does Our Grief Make You Uncomfortable?

Hi all,

Before I get to what I wanted to blog about today, I wanted to say "Happy Birthday" to my Dad, Jim Jagel. His birthday was yesterday! He is a one-0f-a-kind man, who is always there to help people even when he isn't feeling well, he makes time for others. That is the mark of a truly GOOD human being! He's been my Dad for 35 years, and he was always here for us, doing the little, every day things. He is Nick's home health care aid and always helps us with things, even when we don't ask. He and my Mom have been there for us with Nick from the beginning, letting us live with them for the first year and a half of Nick's life, traveling to Canada when we were lonely during Nick's therapy one summer and were in need of family support, and they are a part of every single thing in Nick and Bella's life. Very selfless people. Well, I could go on and on, but I'll just end with, I am (we are) so thankful for my Dad (and Mom too)!

After my blog post on October 30th, October 2010 Update, where I talked about our feelings lately re: Nick's disability and how these hit us out of the blue after all this time, I received some wonderful, supportive e-mails. Thank you!

I started this blog for several reasons. One reason was to write about our family, our experiences, and hopefully find some people out there who can relate and also maybe we could help someone else to feel they are not alone if they are experiencing similar feelings and things. So, of course, part of that is my writing about our feelings, good and bad, which is not something I am good at talking about with others, "venting" when needed, basically, whatever I feel I want to write about and share.

I find it interesting that some family and friends stop coming around when you share or show this kind of feeling, emotion, venting, instead of being supportive. It happened to us when Nick was little. We had several friends that just stopped coming around and as I've blogged about, we've made some great new friends in our journey. I was also told that I made some family members uncomfortable (exact words) because of the emotions I showed or things I said, in my grief. That was a big lesson for me and I learned back then to put on a smile and just say, "everything is great" to certain people because most people either don't want to hear the truth or don't care, but it clearly makes people uncomfortable. So, we have always been and are careful about who we share ourselves with. When you make yourself vulnerable to others, they can use it to hurt you, and they often do. There are a rare few we've learned we can talk to honestly about how we're feeling, etc. And, luckily for Greg and I, we talk to each other!:) SO, it was difficult for me to decide to "vent" and share my anger, envy, grief, sadness, all of those feelings that are a normal part of the grief process for someone with a child with a disability or health care issue. I have become ashamed to share these things over the years because I have learned, it MAKES PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE. But, I decided to do it because I just know we are not the only ones who have these feelings and I thought if we could help one other person/family, it would be worth it. It's not like we feel this way 24/7, and the truth is, we are too busy living life to even feel anything about Nick's disability hardly ever! We also DO try to be optimistic, we ARE in fact, and are positive most of the time. So, it's interesting to me that people have the reactions they do when you occasionally share or are going through a tough time. Some people stop calling or contacting you. Some tell you that you shouldn't be putting your own situation on everyone else. I could go on and on about the reactions we've gotten in the past and from this post in October. I've said before, our feelings are NOT about anyone we know, they are about US. But, we do have a right to our feelings and they are normal. I'm sorry if our grief makes people uncomfortable, but at the same time, why should I be sorry? Maybe people need to be aware of and more sensitive to others experiences and feelings, and be ok with it.

We've also found that finding a place to share with other parents and families is helpful, whether that be in person, online. We like Exceptional Family TV on Facebook and their actual website as one resource.

I got a post from a Dad who said he could relate to what I posted about on October 30th and gave me some good advice. He said to acknowledge it, feel it, go through it, and move on. That is what we do and it is good advice. It was nice knowing we reached this person who lives across the US and has the same experiences. That was one of our goals.

I will continue to blog about our family, experiences, feelings, good AND bad, in an honest and truthful way. I'm doing this for us and hopefully for others too. No regrets at all. I just think people should ask themselves WHY someone else's grief, feelings, tragedies, make them uncomfortable.

Blessings:)
Amy