The Breaking Point (Anger)

Hi all,

I'm going to do something with this blog today that I've never done and I hope anyone who reads this understands and isn't offended in any way by this. That is not my intent.

As I am writing this, I am writing through constant tears, the lump in the throat that makes it hard to breath and so much anger, like everything has just come to a breaking point today. I can't remember ever feeling quite like this in 16 1/2 years. In fact, I almost never get angry anymore, really. I actually work very hard at "keeping my anger in check" and keeping myself centered and "even". I actually feel that being this angry will help no one and serve no purpose but I just can't help it today. I NEVER tell anyone these feelings when I do have them except my husband, Greg, because I don't want my friends, family, etc. to feel they have to "walk on eggshells around me" or feel they can't tell me things. Plus, I never wanted to be the angry, bitter parent of a child with a disability that I witnessed so often in the past 16 1/2 years. It's funny, that I even REALLY understood and empathized with these parents but I have never been kind enough to myself to let myself "go there". I don't know why, really. I just know I DON'T want to be this angry person I am right now, I don't like it at all.

It started with just one small thing today and it is as if hundreds of things that have made me this hurt and angry over the years has come to the surface and I can't control my emotions. So, I'm writing about it because I am not brave enough to go to anyone and talk to anyone about it, except husband Greg. (Poor Greg, LOL through tears!)

Forgive me please for writing this. BUT, it makes me hurt and angry when people I know don't appreciate their healthy, non-disabled kids, when they take for granted the things their kids can do on their own (like taking a shower, getting dressed, brushing their teeth without choking themselves, putting their shoes on, ETC. on and on.......), when people who have kids who are more physically challenged than Nick tell us how "lucky" we are as if they get a "gold star" because their kids are "more disabled" than Nick. (and yes, we do feel lucky, but COME ON!) When my friend called me and asked me why I couldn't talk because I was bathing my adolescent son and she told me to "just tell him to go take a shower!" as if he could do that, and friends that complain about having to spend money on a pair of eyeglasses for their kids. Are you kidding me? Just thinking of the times we have spent over $10,0000, out of pocket, that we didn't have, on average per year, for things Nick needs like hearing aids, Segway, co-pays for AFOs and wheelchairs, special software for his computer, FM systems, on and on and on and ON, and $130 for special driving school PLUS the cost of the regular driving classroom instruction, therapies that are not covered by insurance. I can't even begin to tell people the financial problems we have had and the countless month we choose to get the things Nick needs over paying the mortgage on time or going to the dentist or doctor ourselves, etc. We don't thing twice about doing this but the stress in indescribable. I've had to leave jobs to care for Nick and miss a lot of work. Family first but employers aren't always understanding. I get so angry and we never tell anyone how stressed we've been at times over these things. It is so hurtful and makes us so angry that people tell us how "lucky" we are to have an IEP and special educational services for Nick and the "handicapped parking sticker in our car". I want to scream, REALLY? Do you want to trade situations? Just have a disabled kid and you can get these great benefits too! (sarcasm if you can't tell!) Then they hand out handicapped parking stickers like candy now, to people without disabilities and who have health problems due to their life choices, as if you can "choose" to have a disability. Then we can never find a handicapped parking spot when we do go out because so many people have these and then we won't even go into the people that abuse it and don't have any sticker and feel they can park there anyhow. That is a whole other issue for another time. All of these things make me so hurt and angry and I can't even talk to anyone about it because I don't want to "turn people off". This often results in me isolating myself, I stay in the house and don't contact friends or go out with them because I can't face then with this anger and these feelings.

One small thing brought all of this out today. I hate being around negative people or people who whine and complain so please understand how difficult it was for me to "vent" in this way, to this extent. It's out there now. And, I feel a little better. I don't have any resolution or answers. The situation hasn't changed but I'm going to go back now to taking it one hour, one day at a time and try to scoop up a positive attitude again. I know it's in me somewhere! This was a very inexpensive and self-indulgent release for me, so if you could stomach reading it, I hope you understand and will let me have this small moment of anger. Thanks. One thing I do know for sure is I wouldn't want anyone else for a son than Nick or a daughter than Bella. I love them EXACTLY the way they are and everything we do for them is worth it, worth everything. I know that for sure, every minute of every day, no matter how I'm feeling.

Blessings:)
Amy