Nick's recent writing October 09

Nick recently wrote this as part of a humanities assignment. It's very telling............Amy

How I’ve Changed

Sixteen years old. Time flies by so fast. I enjoy every minute of my life, yet there are moments in my life that I wish never had to happen. But if I never had the bad moments, would I enjoy every moment of my life? Of course, ten or five years ago, I never thought about these things. Because in that time, I’ve changed, I really never had any bad moments. Never thought I would ever go through any sufferings, never thought I would have any life changing moments. I was always focused on the present, I never really thought about the future. Suddenly, that all changed, I changed.

As a kid, I questioned everything. I was very observant, and would always ask questions. Questions about my disability mostly, “why can’t I walk like the other kids? why am I different?, why are kids so mean to me?, what’s wrong with me?, why me?” I just could never wrap my head around why I didn’t look like every other kid, or why kids would tease me. It took me a while to realize what I realize now. I realize now, that it’s just the way God made me, and I know he has a special purpose for me. He wants me to go through everything I go through for a reason. I just don’t know what that reason is yet, I may never know, He might want someone else to know my purpose instead of me. I still ask one of the questions that I asked when I was a kid, and that one is “why me?”

I was told when I was born I would never walk or talk. That has been a motivation for me my whole life to accomplish something that most people take for granted, to walk. When I was younger, I never thought I would have to go through much work or much pain to accomplish this. I was wrong. My first year of jr. high, whenever I would walk in my walker, every step hurt. So, the process of pain began. The doctor told me that the only way to fix it would be to wear casts on my legs for six weeks. The six weeks were absolutely brutal. I might have gotten three hours of sleep a night, took about twenty to thirty pain pills a day. I realized then that if I were going to achieve this goal, I would have to go through a lot of pain. The casting was actually unsuccessful, they worked for a little while, but then my feet began to turn back inward. So, two years later we tried again. I was very upset because I knew what was coming. Again, after a while, the casting was unsuccessful. We realized that there was only one thing left to do. There was only one thing that would be a permanent solution. That was to perform major surgery. The reason why the doctors didn’t do it before that time, was because they knew that the surgery would be ten times more painful then the casting. They were right. I never have felt as much pain as I did for the first six weeks after the surgery. The day after the surgery, the doctor realized something was wrong with the casting that they did. So, they had to redo the casting, and the way I describe that pain that I felt at that moment is it felt like an old-fashion amputation. It felt like they were amputating my leg with no medicine and I was awake. It was the worst half hour of my life. The surgery was successful, but due to complications, I now have no feeling on the surface of my left foot and it is hypersensitive to touch. I receive an electrical jolt in my foot every five seconds due to nerve damage.



The reason why I am mentioning all about the pain I’ve been through is because I believe that pain is the one thing if anything that has changed me. Like I said, when I was young, I didn’t think about the future, I didn’t think anything bad could happen to me, I thought that “learning” to walk would be just as easy as it is for everyone else. Now, every time I go through something painful, it makes me appreciate my life more. I now realize that in order to achieve this goal of walking, I’m going to have to go to hell and back to achieve it. I no longer just think about now. I think about everything I’m going to have to go through to accomplish what I want to accomplish in life. Pain gives me appreciation for my life, gives me strength, and gives me the sense of accomplishment. And instead of asking questions all the time, I’ve learned to accept myself, and just live my life. Pain, a small word that has changed me in a big way.